Thursday, 10 September 2015
Story #16 - Always failing
Have you ever been that person who wanted to achieve great things, but was always stopped by something?
I have. I was always stopped by something.
Stopped by what others might think. Stopped by the voices inside. Stopped by fear. Stopped by inability, or the perceived inability. Stopped by insufficient funds. Stopped by not knowing (the right) people. Stopped by language. Stopped by voice. Stopped by my conscience.
I decided to look at what others say or do that makes them that great. Or even good.
Failure upon failure upon failure led them to success.
I find that baffling in a way. But also true.
They simply told their conscience to sod off while they pursued what they wanted. Which sounds fair.
I wish I had that mental resilience.
Mine went away when too many bad things happened at once. I just couldn't grasp it and move on. I just couldn't.
And look at me now. Living in a small place with a kitchen and a toilet where I also sleep. No shower. No washing machine. No fridge. Nobody to talk to. Not able to afford internet. Not able to afford a phone.
I often wonder where it all went sour. What happened recently was just the climax. The point where everything that has channeled up has been unleashed.
In math, two negatives make a positive. Not in my book it's not.
I'm at my wits end right now. I don't have anything left to live for.
And the worst part about life is that I didn't even give it a proper go.
I hope this rope will give me a proper go, though.