Story #36 - The "Where the hell am I?" Show

"Gooood evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to tonight's premiere of "Where the hell am I?""

Some mild applause can be heard from the small crowd of less than a dozen. This shoe-string budget novelty show couldn't afford to get a "clapper", and the presenter has to use his charm and charisma to make it work. And since they're in an old depot that still has webs, a musky smell, bad lighting and perhaps some kind of vermin was another reason why so few showed up.

"I am your host for this evening, Burt Childs. And without further ado, let me introduce you to our three lovely guests.
The first one up is Jackie Palmer."
A woman of about fifty years old with curly black hair that reaches her shoulders, black John Lennon glasses, black lipstick, black jumper, black skirt, black stockings, black loafers, and no jewelry.
"Jackie is from Iowa, and she specifically wrote on her letter toward us that she isn't much of a talker. As you can see, she is quite shy." She has her head down, not even staying in the light, although the people in the depot can see her, but not those watching on their devices.

"Our second guest is Flip. He is from..."
"Yo, 'scuse me, man. I'd like to introduce myself, if that's alright with you." Burt Childs is speechless. "Yo. I be Flip, from the East Coast, and that's all ya need to know. I wear my cap high, and my jeans low. My kicks are extra large, and my hoodie, extra slim. That's all y'all need to know." He stepped into the light. And quite weirdly, he received more applause than the compere, who was rooted to the floor.

"And...and...now...ou-our third guest is...aaaaa... Helen B."
"Hello, Burt. Glad to be on the show."
She was dressed like the rainbow. Green hair, violet sleeveless top, orange and indigo bracelets, red flip-flops, yellow overalls, and blue lipstick. She looked absolutely mesmerizing to watch, and Childs was awestruck.
"Yes, hello, Helen. Good to have you here."
The host is wiggling his fingers, then grabs the mic with that hand.
"Let's get this show on the road. Your first question is: Stuck in the jungle, having birds and flies roam around me, alligators in the waters nearby. What are your answers?"
Flip said first. "Bronx, yo."
"I'm afraid that's incorrect."
"The Amazon jungle," said Helen.
"Ooo, that's quite close, but it's incorrect again."
Jackie stepped into the light, raised her head. For the first time since she came in the building, her face could be seen, except that she had mask over it, and dark glasses covering her eyes.
"Where the hell am I?"
There was silence.
"That is indeed correct. Give some applause to Jackie, ladies and gentlemen. And with that said, we will be back after intermission."

Story #35 - A drinking problem

"Why do you like to drink?"

"I...I don't think I can give you a nice explanation for that. I mean, you either like alcohol or you don't, and if you do, sometimes one or two beers just aren't enough."

"I sometimes enjoy my alcohol, especially whisky, but I keep it to a minimum. I don't go overboard because I know what will happen to me if I do."

"You get a little tipsy?"

"Tipsy, yes. I also get sick. My stomach rumbles plenty. My brain will think it is in a state of emergency and it will make me throw up. And I hate doing that so much..."

"I don't think anybody enjoys it."

"...feeling my groin muscles contract..."

"Okay, okay, I know the feeling. You don't have to tell me about it. It's nice to know that even someone like you, who is clean-shaven and looks spotless, has had these moments happen to him."

"You have to know what's good for you, right? I value a secure and boring life over crazy happenings. Which is why I called you here."

"Crazy moments is a bit much. I'd argue."

"You've been known to fight whenever you're drunk. You've spent countless nights in jail. You have a record. You haven't held a job for longer than a month. I don't know how you make enough to pay the rent, the bills, and buy alcohol to get drunk."

"I don't have rent' I live in a shelter, in a rundown bed along with twenty other people in the same room. There are flies because no one really showers. The shelter's is broken and they aren't offering us anything. I've seen small crap around. Hell, I probably saw some blood as well."

"Then why aren't you living? Why aren't you trying to change your life around? Why are you torturing yourself like that?"

"There is no possible way to change. I've tried. I went to AA. I to rehab. I was even taken in police care, and all that did was to show what kind of a shitty person I am. I lied and stole from everyone that gave me their shoulder. I took their punches without retaliating. I was fine with it. A bruise for a beer."

"If you bring misery to people, and are unable to change, why don't you commit suicide?"

"I'm shocked that you're telling me this, when you should be offering good tips. But I suppose that's as good a tip as any. Actually, I've been thinking about it for a while now. Except for booze, there's nothing that's keeping me here. And I really mean that. I have no skills. I can't be nice to people. I can't really smile because I'm always grim. Yeah. I think I'll do that."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you..."

"You simply said aloud what me and others were thinking for a while now. Don't worry. It's not your fault. I get it. You wanted to help. And you did. And you'll make the area a better place. You should be happy about that, even though you probably feel terrible right now. Well, thanks for your time. Bye."

Story #34 - Loving a girl I cannot describe

I fell in love with this girl. 

I see her every day, and if you'd tell me to describe her, I wouldn't know how to. 

I even have her in my friend's list, where she has a cute picture with two fingers near her face. But I cannot, for the life of me, describe her figure. Her chin, her eyes, her mouth, her lips, her nose, her cheeks, her hair. I cannot see anything. It's like my brain doesn't want to think about it, instead it makes me see only white spots. Actually, they kinda form a crater of some sort. Shapeless, I suppose, is the right term. 

The funny thing is that she's the only one that I cannot describe. My parents, my colleagues, regular people on the street, neighbors, hell, even animals. No problems there. Wrinkles, gassy eyelids, punched-up nostrils, crooked tips of lips, hairs in weird places, bald patches.

Yet, I like this girl a lot, and I can see her properly when I'm near her. 

She has this goofy walk that almost goes zig-zag. Sometimes even bumping into people. No apologies given, though, which makes me giggle and makes the damaged party berate her; she simply shrugs. 

Then, when she laughs, it's so innocent sounding, which is probably the opposite of how her personality is. 

Hmm... Come to think of it, I don't know much about her other than her name and these two things. But I really like her. And I will ask her out when we meet again. If she'll say no, well, at least I tried. Besides, sometimes you just have to go with your gut, right?

Story #33 - Freedom or developmental hell?

After being stuck in developmental hell for a while, I finally find myself to have plenty of time on my hands. I've already had one week to enjoy this freedom, and what did I do with it?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing. And that's how time goes by. And before you know it, a few more developmental hells arise, and bam, you'll wonder where that time went by.
You'll look back and say "Ah, I met that girl at one time, but I didn't tell her how I felt." or "Shouldn't have gotten that job. Lost more money that way." They might feel a bit like regret, yet they were lessons learned. You simply figured out what paths to stop taking and mistakes to stop making. Not all of them, mind you. Just some.
Developmental hell is not cool. Not having a back-up plan is more so.
However, this is also a chance to make a different type of developmental hell for yourself. One that can last your whole life. Whose to say it won't make you happier?

Story #32 - A lamp's life

Turn on, turn off. That's pretty much it, isn't it?
I don't get to be all glamorous like a wardrobe, where some humans get into and do all sorts of things, nor am I like my smaller brothers, the light bulbs from the kitchen, bathroom, and every other room. Even this one where I'm in. I know that I have a light bulb of my own, but it's not as powerful.
I don't get to see much action. Just some random people reading or working at night.
Sometimes a stupid human grabs it and hits someone. He ends up damaging the both of us. And if I'm damaged, chances are I'll be thrown away. I don't really want to have that misfortune. Having all sorts of other lamps, wooden material, and who knows what, crush me and make me uncomfortable. Hmm. I think I'm afraid of being surrounded by various objects, actually not surrounded, but more like being smothered and squeezed by all of them. Makes me unable to see. And if I cannot see, then I cannot be of any use, damaged or not.
Life as a lamp is so boring.
Oh, did I mention that I need electricity to work?
Which is probably why I'm thinking this right now, since this house, or rather, this room, doesn't have any. They have candles, though. Great. Stuck in perpetual darkness, alone. Why is there a spider approaching me?

Story #31 - Animal gathering for a purpose

There was an impromptu meeting between animals. A bear, a stray cat, a stray dog, a wolf, a fox, and a squirrel.
"Look," said the bear. "I dislike all of you, and I would like to get my hands on that conniving fox, but for the sake of our forest, we should discuss what we're going to do about those stupid humans."
"I, for one, don't care," said the cat. "I get fed by some, and I can fix pigeons, and I can..."
"Kill you," interrupted the dog. "You left home for a reason. So did I. But don't forget that I can easily make you vanish."
"Apart from the bear, I can make you all go away, so stop with this idle chatter," replied the wolf. "Either we do something for ourselves, or the humans will make us extinct. And don't think that they aren't okay with eating bears and squirrels, and wearing fox fur. Actually, I don't see why you two are here. Humans love dogs and cats. Not us, though. Someone can easily adopt you two. Feed you nice food, make you, dog, hunt for squirrels and foxes."
"They can make me hunt, but I don't want to hunt. I want to sleep, eat what they give me, and maybe play around with their children."
"Okay," said the wolf. "Maybe you won't attack us. But you won't be attacked by them. You have no fear of being put to extinction. Even if you two die, there are still millions like you. We don't have that. Look at the squirrels. They used to be quite a lot, and now not so much. Since we gathered, he's been shivering and shaking and looking all over the place."
"I need a nut, man. Haven't had one in two days. I'll be just skin like this. You guys maybe took 'em for your own enjoyment," the squirrel said and went up a tree.
"Don't be daft," the bear replied. "This is the kind of thing that boggles my mind. Humans are smart because they group together. And that's how they hunt us down, one by one."
"Even if we were to make something out of this, they have guns and traps. It's impossible," said the wolf.
"So you're saying that we should give up just like that?"
As the bear retorted, a loud band was heard.
The squirrel fell on the ground, near them, blood gushing from everywhere, the animal twitching and gasping for air like a fish out of water.
All of them had their eyes wide open, and soon scrambled in different directions.

Story #30 - Daydreaming while waiting in line

Come on already. I've been here for over five minutes. How much longer do I have to wait?
I have ailments. A sick imaginary son at home, which they don't know about, probably don't care about, yet I have to make them upset about the fact that I have to wait in line.
I have two steady legs, but just for shits and giggles, I'll pretend one is lame. More so since it's a woman at the counter. My right one, since it's sturdier. Oh, if only I could spout some William for her.
I'm also getting hungry, of course. Not like I haven't eaten maybe a half an hour ago? Yeah...left home about that time, finished eating ten minutes beforehand, though my brain thinks otherwise. He wants food and more food. What can you do with a can't written wrongly?
This queue isn't really moving, and now I have to pee. And goddamn do I have to go. Something bigger than a tsunami. It might even break the toilet. But I can't. I'll lose my position. Arghh...
Oooohhh, we're moving!!! Yessssss!!!!
Noooo... What the hell was that? Just one person? One bloody person, and eight more to go?
I have to think of some William for that broad. An actor will be born today. Tomorrow, the theatre. Next week, the movie business. Next month, awards galore. So nice to daydream. Shame it don't pay.
If things go on like this, my imaginary son will have his own imaginary son. Hmm... A grandpa. Never imagine myself in that area.  Probably won't happen outside of this store. Or until the next one.

Story #29 - Lovers quarrel

"I love you so much."
"I love you, too."
"I love this bench."
"But it doesn't love you back."
"I love the air."
"What about me?"
"I already said I loved you."
"You also love other things."
"Shouldn't I?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because you love me."
"And only you?"
"Yes."
"And if we'll have a daughter, does that mean that I cannot love her?"
"... You can like her, but you should only love me."
"That's... I don't think I can go on with this."
"Why?"
"I love other things, other people. I can't love just one person."
"I love just one person. I like other stuff, too, but loving, that's only reserved for you."
"I'm flattered that you feel that way, but it won't work."
"Why?"
"I'm devoting my attention to more than one thing. I am a loving person."
"Is this goodbye, then?"
"I'm afraid so."
"Bye. I love you."
"I love you, too."